We salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who remove themselves from it. Of necessity, this honor is generally bestowed posthumously.
These awards are give to people who die in stupid ways and therefore help evolution by not having children. The award is also given to people who become sterile through their own stupidity (see entry 11, below).


I know this isn't really in keeping with this site, but I'm a huge fan of the Darwin Awards and these are the 16 funniest of 2005.


Stories Ranked by Vote

I'm going to try to authenticate these myself and post one eveery couple of days as I find them. Here's the first:


Failed Frame-Up
2005 Darwin Award Nominee

Confirmed True by Darwin


(19 March 2005, Michigan) "Unusual" and "complicated" is how the Missaukee County sheriff described the mysterious death of 19-year-old Christopher.
After an evening spent imbibing large quantities of alcohol, Christopher noticed a shortage in his liquor supply that could not be attributed to his own depredations. He concluded that his neighbor had stolen a bottle of booze! He menaced the neighbor with a knife, to no avail, whereupon he retired to his own apartment to brood about revenge.

Finally he figured out the perfect way to get back at that conniving bottle-thief: Christopher would stab himself and blame the neighbor!
A witness saw Christopher enter the bathroom as he called 911. He calmly informed the dispatcher that his neighbor had stabbed him. Witnesses said he looked fine when he emerged from the bathroom, but a moment later gouts of blood spewed from his chest. Suddenly he began screaming begging for help. The dispatcher heard a woman shout, "Why did you do this?" He collapsed at the door of his apartment.

Deputies arrived quickly, but Christopher had already bled to death from self-inflicted stab wounds to his chest. An autopsy determined that he had stabbed himself in the chest twice. The first wound apparently didn't look dangerous enough, so he tried again. The second time, the knife plunged into his left ventricle. This wound was plenty dangerous: he had only two minutes to live.
Christopher died in vain. His deathbed accusation of his neighbor failed, as a witness confirmed that the neighbor was not in the apartment. All Christopher got for revenge was an accidental death sentence.


What The Papers Said. The Cadillac News

LAKE CITY - A 19-year-old Lake City man who died early Saturday inflicted two stab wounds to his own chest, police say.
Christopher Seward had been consuming large amounts of alcohol Friday night and early Saturday prior to his death, which police are ruling as accidental at this time.
He stabbed himself twice in the chest, the second wound pierced the left ventricle, while talking to Missaukee County Central Dispatch. The knife was found by police in Seward's kitchen.
Missaukee County Sheriff James Bosscher said the incident is "very unusual" and "complicated" but the evidence at the scene verifies an accidental death scenario.
Police believe Seward's actions were an attempt to get a neighbor in trouble.
Seward and the neighbor had an argument over the whereabouts of a bottle of alcohol during which Seward confronted the man with a knife, Bosscher said. Both men returned to their separate apartments.
Seward then called 911 at 1:22 a.m. from his apartment and said the neighbor had stabbed him. During the call, the dispatcher said Seward was relatively calm but as the conversation continues, he began screaming and asking for immediate help. Seward's girlfriend, Jennifer Bittell, who lives at the residence, could be heard screaming in the background and asking Seward why he had done this.
In a statement, Bittell told police Seward was talking to dispatch in the bathroom and then went into the kitchen. She did not observe any blood or stab wounds at that time and there was no one else in the apartment.
When Seward began to scream, she saw him bleeding profusely from the chest area as he ran to the door of the apartment.
Missaukee County deputies, who were first on the scene, attempted to revive Seward. Bosscher said the second wound caused Seward's death in less than two minutes.
The autopsy showed that the wounds were consistent with being self-inflicted. The neighbor has agreed to take a polygraph test, Bosscher said, and it is being scheduled for the near future. Witnesses at the scene said the neighbor was present in his own apartment during the stabbing.
Both Seward and the neighbor had "dealings with the criminal justice system," Bosscher said.
The case remains open until the department receives a few more tests and the polygraph is complete, Bosscher said.

news@cadillacnews.com